I am overwhelmed with misery. Grief, a vacuum cleaner, is sucking away at me from my toes to mouth. I want to wail, flail and cry and weep.
My niece is desperately ill. Fighting, literally, for her very life.
My son who is "healthy" is sliding deeper and deeper into the pit of alcoholism faster than a seal sliding down slick ice.
I want to turn on him and scream at him at the top of my lungs with all the rage and vitriol in my soul, "what the hell are you doing???????, why oh, why are you flushing your life down the toilet when your cousin is battling for hers???????? I want to throw plates and glasses on the floor, smash them into smithereens!!!!!!!
I hate the fact that she is suffering, that the pain is eating away at her...I HATE it!!!
I can't stand it that I am helpless, that there appears to be absolutely nothing that I can do to halt or affect either situation. Like a two year old I want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream!!!!! Stop, stop, stop......
My hubby, daughter and I huddled in the kitchen this morning clutching at each other and crying, praying and begging, yes, begging, pleading for mercy for my sweet niece. It is inconceivable to me the pain that my brother and his wife and other daughters must be in if this is how I am feeling....I long, again, to be able to do something for them, anything to help assuage their hurt.
There are things that I do, do, of course, but it does not seem even close to adequate....
When I stop my frenetic fretting, I hear the whisper of God saying to me, "Let me be God to those you love..." but quite frankly right now I want to yell at Him and say, "but You're not doing enough....for God's sake, for Your sake, oh God, oh God, make it better....now...please....."
I do believe that God weeps with us but right now I want Him to do more than that, I want action, the action that I want...I know that I may be terribly shortsighted and that it is awfully arrogant of me to boss the God of the universe around, but today I can't help it....
And I do believe He knows my helpless fury and loves me in it, around it and through it...
I do fiercely cling to hope...both for my niece and for my son...
Hope is the raft that I am floating on in this ocean in the midst of this raging, roaring storm.
It is all that I have.
