Small stones - Deer in the Clearing

Hushed with awe
I see them
two deer,
standing.
Delicate beige.
Huge
brown eyes,
just looking at
me through
the clearing.
I gasp in wonder
this gift, given
this day.
Beauty.

When Wishes Are Not Enough...

What do wishes bring?  Sometimes only frustration, heartache and disappointment.

Some moments, some dreams are not meant for wishes.

These things are the precious things, the things that are held treasured in our hearts. Only the deep murmur, only the passionate prayer of longing, only the unending supplication will do for these.  Face to the floor, the enduring yearning of the heart poured out, poured out.  Words cannot alone suffice.

Mercy, we cry out for mercy. For those we love.  For those who suffer long and with excruciating anguish.  Mercy, we cry out for mercy. For those who are caught in the iron trap they crafted with their own hands.  Mercy, we cry out for mercy. For those who are caught in the bog of despair and cannot find the sunlight anywhere.  Mercy, we cry out for mercy.

We say now -

"Hear my cry, O God; 
Give heed to my prayer. 
From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; 
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.' Psalms 61: 1& 2 


I believe that wishes are not enough, and that God can indeed be trusted with secret places of our hearts.  I believe that He knows the when, where, how and if - even if the deepest cry of my heart is answered with a "no".  I believe that He knows my sorrowing and that He weeps with me. And I believe that He will not withhold from me "just because",  just as I as a parent know more than my child what may or may not be the answer, because I can see the big picture.  I believe He will not bend a person's will to His will because He respects the individuals that He created and will not treat us like puppets.  I believe that there are mysteries that I cannot figure out and that I can choose each day to trust His sovereignty and His character.

And, finally, I believe with all my heart that He hears every cry, every groan, every whisper, every longing of my heart.

I believe He hears me.

'I LOVE the Lord, because He has heard [and now hears] my voice and my supplications.' Psalms 116:1 Amplified


And still I cry out for mercy.


Every day, I cry out for His mercy.


                                     ********************************************

"Oh, I love the Lord

I sure do, surely do love the Lord

He heard, he heard my cry

And pitied every groan, yes he did

Every groan

Long as I live, long as I, I live

And troubles rise, troubles rise

I hasten to to to to to

I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

I'll hasten to his throne hold on hold on

Tears are streaming down my eyes

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-love-the-lord-lyrics-whitney-houston.html ]

I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

Read more: WHITNEY HOUSTON - I LOVE THE LORD LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-love-the-lord-lyrics-whitney-houston.html#ixzz1l09zxK4f 

Copied from MetroLyrics.com "

Whitney Houston sings this in the Christmas movie "The Preacher's Wife" and it is amazing!

Small stones 13 - Grey Sky

Dove grey skies,
then the sun -
suddenly
playing peekaboo
over the horizon
brings
warmth and
the world awakens.

Small stones 12 - Dinner with Family

Food, laughter,
& conversation,
family gathers
and plays.
Connections
weaving
heart to heart -
quite simply
the joy in life.

From Sunday, January 29/12

Sounds in the deep of Night

I  am awake now in the middle of the night.  I think I hear the squeak of a door opening.  Everyone as far as I know, is in bed, cuddling deep and snuggled in , piled under blankets, warm and cozy.  I feel immediate alarm pulsing through my system.

But, I grow quieter still than the black of the night surrounding me.  I listen intently straining to hear, is there someone in the house? I want to wake up hubby, but I feel foolish, small in my mid-night fears.  You see I have an ear infection that will not clear up and when all is hushed, especially at night, I hear a high-pitched buzz in my ear as well as sounds like drum-beats, a virtual cacophony inside of my head.  It is disconcerting to say the least and now, I don't know if I'm "hearing" things or if indeed, someone lurks downstairs, squirreling our "stuff" away in some kind of burglarizing attempt.

My chest is tight with unease, and I try to practice deep breathing to anchor the escape perhaps of reason.  I sharpen my hearing, on guard, attempting to pick up any more noises that are not normal for this night-time quietude.

I toss and turn, and finally decide to brave the unknown myself.  I get up, wrap the softness of housecoat around me and head downstairs.

There is nothing.  And instead of chastising myself for these mid-night queries and forebodings, I feel only relief.  It is good to be safe and the sounds that sometimes torture the night are all realized as a part of my malfunctioning hearing.

I breathe long and deeply- again and again, assured that now I can return to the luxurious comfort of my bed and sink once more in peaceful sleep, my nocturnal qualms now put to rest.

Small stones-Day 11- Chapters

Walking in and
seeing the 
shelves 
lined with
myriads of
books -
captures
the imagination.
Every conceivable
subject,
every rainbow colour.
Intoxicating -
chimera.
Every fantasy,
reverie,
mystery or
adventure.
Every nightmare,
daydream,
Vision or
reality.
Right here
on these pages,
in this bookstore.
Ah....
now go, go
READ.

Small stones - Day 10 - Feel the heat

Black cushioned
leather.
Cold
seeps through
clothing.
With time
warmth
pervades,
permeates,
soaks right into
the bone.

When life is like a waiting room...

The interminable wait. The longing.  The hopes.  The following of one day after another after another.  What do I do when my life is like a waiting room, when time presses in upon me and implodes.

What do I do?  Do I grab a chair, sit down beside a fellow journeyer and strike up a conversation?  Do I read book after book, looking for some way to make sense of the waiting? What is the reason to keep on sitting here in this waiting room of life?  What questions do I need answers for?

Why the delay?  Why are some getting answers so quickly, while I wait so long, so very long?

Maybe, just maybe, I don't wait anymore?  I get up, look around and decide, maybe there is something else to do...while I am waiting.  I don't want to miss my appointment, I've waited this long, to give up completely, well then all this waiting is wasted.  The thought of that makes me cringe.

But maybe, I can begin to wait, to actively wait.  To stop sitting on the sidelines and really join in.  What if I just jump in, feet first, and live, really live, explore my options, open my heart wide to all the joys, here, today.  Open my heart as well, to the sorrow, but maybe, put the sorrow and the questions and the frustrations, put them on the sidelines.  Visit them when I need to, when tender loving care is the vital prescription for that particular day or moment.

In the meantime I think I will take a deep breath, stop holding my breath - and dance this rhythm of life - my life today, each day, new, bright and fresh with possibilities.


 -This is the day which the Lord has made; we will be full of joy and delight in it.- Psalm 118:24 BBE

Small stones, day 9 - Waiting Rooms

Crowded this
room,
each person
hunched in
a separate
chair,
waiting.

My shocked
expression
as I view
the milieu,
is greeted by
a few sympathetic
and knowing
ones.

Those who
happen
to look up,
acknowledge
the dread
of the long
drawn out
wait.

A collective
sigh falls,
a murmur, wry
smile, a shrug
and a laugh.

I sit, hunker
down, sink
into this
in-between
space.

This waiting
place -
this waiting
room.

Small stones- day 8 -Begging

From Jan. 24/12

Small, white
and furry,
her brown eyes
look longingly -
"I want a snack
too,"
says Molly,
our cockapoo.

Who can resist
this velvet
brown
pensive eagerness.
I reach down
and share my
treat.

Small stones, Day 7- Rainfall

Mesmerized
I watch the
rhythmic splatter.
Raindrops,
like a heartbeat -
Continuous
thrumming.

Small stones, day 6, Lost in Wonder

From Sunday, Jan. 22/12

Wrapped I am
in the caress
of the
Lover of my
soul.
My voice lifts
in song,
I am lost
in the wonder
of all that
He is.

Small stones Day 5 - Embracing the Silence

The quiet wraps
a blanket of
soundlessness
around me.
I breathe in
and
I breathe out.
Repeat.
I embrace this
stillness,
these moments,
no rush.
Only the
hush of the breath
in and out,
in and out.

Small stones-day 4...Heavy...

Heavy this feeling of
coming up out of sleep.
Eyes open to new morning,
Blink back the grit.
Another day,
stretches long
ahead.

Wonderland

The world is a cake,
frosted white,
and shimmering:
deliciously,
decorated.
What only hours
ago, blew
whirling dervish,
now lies
gentle.
And the sky, now
blue, is blushed
misty pink and
mauve.

Small stones-day 3- Winter's Rage

The wind and
snow
whip howling
fury,
it pushes me,
rushes me,
through
the parking lot
till I am
sitting, still
inside my car.
The world
now locked
outside.
Would that
the howl
and fury of my
life be
like this day;
it, on the outside,
I, inside
no longer
swept along.

Reflecting

I feel the quiet sadness sink down into me, running all the way to my toes.

In this moment of reflection I yearn for the child of my heart.

No resolution, no resolution, no resolution here.

I sigh.  I lift up my head.  I cannot stay here forever, it is only blackness.

I shift, to move away from the darkness.

I cannot fly eagle's flight, fly into the future and find ease.

I cannot either, stumble, trip over memories and fall flat on my face.

I have to find my way to - today, to this moment, to be open to the gifts this moment holds.

This moment is all I really have.

I settle into this moment.

Much more quiet now and aware, so very aware, of this moment.

This day.

This gift.

Small stones - day 2- Laughter, liberates...

Laughter catches me
by surprise,
I am engulfed by it.
I laugh with
hilarity.
And on and
on.  Giggling
like a schoolgirl.
It bubbles up, pulsing
through me, this
feeling
of pure joy.
Infectious,
this merriment
that fills my kitchen
this morning, light
as air, warm
as the sunlight
streaming
in the windows.

Joining in "Small Stones..."

I am joining with one of my beloved nieces (you can find her  writings here --http://benmarcastle.blogspot.com/2012/01/small-stones-week-of-jan-9-jan-15.html) in the journey of "noticing" also called mindfulness.

I have been doing a lot of reading about mindfulness and practicing meditation, so it will be two things for me: 1) just plain fun...:)  and 2) bring discipline to art of mindfulness in everyday living.

To learn more about "small stones" go to http://www.writingourwayhome.com/p/river-jan-12.html.

The challenge is to find one thing/experience each day and to write about it, one moment where you were fully present. Or to put it another way -  "Mindful writing is:
1. Notice something properly every day.
2. Write it down."

For me, today - Small stones- day 1.  Pain...

Piercing it
rakes deeply into
my ear, pain
rippling, searing.
I breathe in and
out again, try
not to fight it.
Warm compress
now soothes, till
I ride again, another
wave on
the pain.

When you can't...maybe you can!?!

What happens when life slams you down and just when you get up, you are slammed down again?

What happens when you cannot hear, or cannot see?

What happens when you develop a condition/or conditions and you feel it/they stop you from being the you that you thought you were?

What happens when life throws you a curve ball, and you drop the ball?

What happens when your dreams seem to come crashing down all around you, rubble on the ground, dust coming up into your nose?

What happens when your expectations are dashed?

What do you do?

Adapt.

Adaptability - an amazing word.

You can fight it, kicking and screaming all the way...Or you can develop the "ability to change (or be changed) '(be changed-now that really fascinates me)', to fit changed circumstances.


Look at this! -

Noun- 1. adaptability - the ability to change (or be changed) to fit changed circumstances
flexibility, flexibleness - the quality of being adaptable or variable; "he enjoyed the flexibility of his working arrangement"
pliability, pliancy, pliantness, suppleness - adaptability of mind or character; "he was valued for his reliability and pliability"; "he increased the leanness and suppleness of the organization"
ability - the quality of being able to perform; a quality that permits or facilitates achievement or accomplishment. - from the The Free Dictionary

Another word for this is - resilience. 


"Resilience means facing life’s difficulties with courage and patience – refusing to give up. It is the quality of character that allows a person or group of people rebound from misfortune, hardships and traumas.


Resilience is rooted in a tenacity of spirit—a determination to embrace all that makes life worth living even in the face of overwhelming odds." - Wisdom Commons


It doesn't have to mean giving up, but it can certainly mean that we reframe the way we look at our lives and circumstances.

We, you and I, we can develop the ability to adapt: to change and to be changed.  We can go forward with tenacity of spirit, with courage and patience.

We get to choose how we see our life and how we respond to it...

So, I am challenging myself today and in the days ahead to develop adaptability and resilience.
 
I want to choose to grow and change and be changed.  I do not want to become defined by the circumstances that seem to overwhelm me.

One of my favourite quotes from childhood literature capsulizes this sentiment with words of encouragement -


"Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
Christopher Robin to Pooh (by A. A. Milne)

Jacob wrestles...

What about Jacob?

Remember him?

Do you remember that he wrestled with God?

Genesis 32: 24 -31 :

Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that He could not defeat him, He struck Jacob’s hip socket as they wrestled and dislocated his hip. Then He said to Jacob, “Let Me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me.”

“What is your name?” the man asked.

“Jacob,” he replied.

“Your name will no longer be Jacob,” He said. “It will be Israel because you have struggled with God and with men and have prevailed.”

Then Jacob asked Him, “Please tell me Your name.”

But He answered, “Why do you ask My name?” And He blessed him there.

Jacob then named the place Peniel, “For I have seen God face to face,” he said, “and I have been delivered.” The sun shone on him as he passed by Penuel—limping because of his hip. 

Can you relate to Jacob?

The canyon-deep struggles with God? -

The pleas that go on and on,

all night.

He strikes you,

you are dislocated and breathless, weary with the fight.

But, you will not -

let go.

You cry out as Jacob did, with all your heart, soul and mind.


Everything that is within you wails with the anguish of the struggle, “I will not let You go unless You bless me.”


This is me, right now, tonight.
“I will not let You go unless You bless me.”


And you know what, the thing that awakens me when I read this - is - that He does it!

God blesses Jacob.

" And He blessed him there."


Sore and aching I may limp with the struggle, but I will see my God!  
“For I have seen God face to face,”... “and I have been delivered.” 

I will wait for His deliverance.

I will not let go,

unless He blesses me.

Marking Time

Have you ever sat and listened?

 Have you listened quietly to the seconds - tick, tock, tick, tock?

Seconds that turn into minutes, then into hours, into days, into years and so on, and on and on - on and on.

Sometimes, I wish time would rush forward - that problems, worries and heartaches would fade away into distant memory. That events, blurred by the passage of time would loose their sharp corners, those corners that cut into your soul.  The cuts, that wound and bleed.  The wounds that wear you down, make you tired and weary, so very weary.

Often I want solutions, solutions NOW!


I agonize over issues that seem to have no remedy.  But this agony is fruitless.  It brings me nothing but more agony.

Time has become both my friend and my enemy.

I befriend time, when I believe that there is hope for tomorrow.  I befriend it, when I breathe long and deeply - look around and count the graces, find the reasons for gratitude.  I befriend it when I live and participate fully in this moment, this one, right now, then next and the next.  I befriend time, when I am not looking over my shoulder - ruminating again and again about the years that have brought me to this moment.  I befriend it when I do not borrow trouble from tomorrow, for today indeed has enough troubles of its own.  I befriend it when I accept where I am and let go of what might have been or what might be.

Time becomes my enemy when I focus on what I cannot change.  It becomes my enemy when I surrender to despair.  It becomes my enemy when I insist on instantaneous gratification, when I will not wait for the answer however long it may to take to come.  Time becomes my enemy when I shut my eyes to the beauty, close my ears to hear the music, and speak only of endings; forgetting that beginnings may just be around the bend, peeking over the horizon. It becomes my enemy when I do not stop to remember that there is a purpose, eternal and true.  It becomes my enemy when I fail to remember that God holds time in His hands.

He is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.

And He knows, He knows all that burdens me, all that weight on my shoulders, He knows.  He is the great burden-bearer.  And He carries me.  He lifts me up, holds me close to heart.  My Shepherd carries me.

 The Eternal, timeless One, carries me in His Everlasting arms.

Food for the Soul...

I am making a list today,
just some of
the things that feed my soul -

• Quietness, those spaces in between the busyness.
• 
  
• The beauty of nature.
• 
  
• Music, peaceful and soothing.
• 
  
• Good books, bringing great escape, insight, or adventure.   
• 
  
• Mindfulness, being present to the moment I'm in now.
• 
  
• Friendship. 
• 
  
• The rich fullness of laughter.  
• 
  
• Feeling loved and loving in return.
• 
  
• Golden sunlight. Waterfalls.  Muted colors - sunsets fading.
• 
  
• Intimate conversation, a knowing and being known.
• 
  
• Worship, giving glory to the Glorious One.  
• 
  
• Finding someone who truly listens.
• 
  
• Gentle touch.
• 
  
• A deep connection - one that brings the wonder of a kindred spirit.  
• 
  
• Being accepted just as I am.
• 
  
• Warm Hugs.  Genuine Smiles.  Meditation.
• 
  
• Reflecting long on graces that bring a grateful heart.
• 
  
• Prayer, supplicating, pouring out the longings deep within.

I could go on, but I think I'll stop here.

What are some of the things that feed your soul?











=

New Year

I face the New Year with quiet trepidation.


I haven't liked New Years for many years now.  One year passes after the other and with each passing year, somehow, despair deepens.


I wait for the change, for the thing to happen that I have been longing for, and one more year goes by.  Nothing.  Just nothing.


There is a rut in the record of time that I've been keeping.  There is a proverb that says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." (Prov. 13:12)  And I'm sorry to say, that today, I do indeed feel heart-sick.


It is not just my own longing that wears on me, it is the longing of others in my family, with hopes too, deferred.  I agonize for them, about them, with them.


Troubles seem to be sprouting from the ground coming up in choking weeds, stalking those who dot the landscape in my beloved family.


I wonder about this.  Why this relentless tribulation?  Why this heartache, seemingly without end?  Will year pass from year to year with grief cloaking it, shrouding it in everlasting stomping on hope after hope?


Not happy, not pretty, eh?  Just heart-rending questions.


This is it, isn't it?  We cannot see the future can we, even the next second, minute or hour? Our vision, our perspective is clouded, unclear, some days often opaque.


So, my perspective is just that - mine - I do not have omniscience.  And would I even want it?  To know all, a frightening concept.  I only see in part, understand, often, even less.


 Yet, I am called.


Called to "walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Cor. 5:7  ESV


Because this "... FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, [a]the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]."  Heb.11:1 AMP


For you see that - "...we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as [a]in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand [b]fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been [c]fully and clearly known and understood [[d]by God]."  1 Cor 13:12 AMP


Even now, in the midst of all that I am struggling with I can recall with such clarity my Dad`s voice, gentle, and kind, saying, quoting, ``The secret things belong unto the LORD our God: but the things that are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.`` Deut. 29:29 ESV


Through  faith, hope  does not have to die!  


There is enough  revealed to me to continue on -  to fulfill another calling, to persevere. 


Curiously enough, there is an intriguing circle here, because perseverance in all that troubles, hurts and disheartens me brings something...`` knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;  and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.`` Romans 5:3b-4


So, yes, I approach the new year with trepidation, but I can lift the arm of the record, and fling my arms up and open to the God who gives me, above all else this day, HOPE.


Heartsick, I sometimes may be, but no, not now, not hopeless.


``Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all.``  - Emily Dickinson