New Year

I face the New Year with quiet trepidation.


I haven't liked New Years for many years now.  One year passes after the other and with each passing year, somehow, despair deepens.


I wait for the change, for the thing to happen that I have been longing for, and one more year goes by.  Nothing.  Just nothing.


There is a rut in the record of time that I've been keeping.  There is a proverb that says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." (Prov. 13:12)  And I'm sorry to say, that today, I do indeed feel heart-sick.


It is not just my own longing that wears on me, it is the longing of others in my family, with hopes too, deferred.  I agonize for them, about them, with them.


Troubles seem to be sprouting from the ground coming up in choking weeds, stalking those who dot the landscape in my beloved family.


I wonder about this.  Why this relentless tribulation?  Why this heartache, seemingly without end?  Will year pass from year to year with grief cloaking it, shrouding it in everlasting stomping on hope after hope?


Not happy, not pretty, eh?  Just heart-rending questions.


This is it, isn't it?  We cannot see the future can we, even the next second, minute or hour? Our vision, our perspective is clouded, unclear, some days often opaque.


So, my perspective is just that - mine - I do not have omniscience.  And would I even want it?  To know all, a frightening concept.  I only see in part, understand, often, even less.


 Yet, I am called.


Called to "walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Cor. 5:7  ESV


Because this "... FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, [a]the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]."  Heb.11:1 AMP


For you see that - "...we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as [a]in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand [b]fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been [c]fully and clearly known and understood [[d]by God]."  1 Cor 13:12 AMP


Even now, in the midst of all that I am struggling with I can recall with such clarity my Dad`s voice, gentle, and kind, saying, quoting, ``The secret things belong unto the LORD our God: but the things that are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.`` Deut. 29:29 ESV


Through  faith, hope  does not have to die!  


There is enough  revealed to me to continue on -  to fulfill another calling, to persevere. 


Curiously enough, there is an intriguing circle here, because perseverance in all that troubles, hurts and disheartens me brings something...`` knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;  and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.`` Romans 5:3b-4


So, yes, I approach the new year with trepidation, but I can lift the arm of the record, and fling my arms up and open to the God who gives me, above all else this day, HOPE.


Heartsick, I sometimes may be, but no, not now, not hopeless.


``Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all.``  - Emily Dickinson