Standing by and entering in...

I cannot stand by and watch those I love suffer.

I enter into it, invest my whole being.  I agonize, I pray, I throw my towel into the ring, offer to help.

Still, I feel utterly helpless, inept.  Yet, that being said, I feel positive about the small ways that I can help; either by fervent supplication, or by going and being, just there, giving whatever I can. An oxymoron in feelings perhaps, but nevertheless very real.

And, there is the grief, real, pulsing and tangible.

Mingled in the midst of this tangle of emotion and circumstance is the ray of light shining through.  Though darkness may overshadow, hope is the beam that radiates through the blackness.

If I do not get the answer I desire, I will not loose hope; that there always is purpose - profound, and powerful.

Life is a prism of mystery. The sun casting light through the prism crystallizes the many shades of color and beauty.  Beauty that will arise from the ashes.

I love this quote -

Let your mighty hand and outstretched arm, O LORD, be our defense;
Your mercy and loving-kindness in Jesus Christ, your dear Son, our salvation;
Your true and holy word our instruction;
Your grace and Holy Spirit our comfort and consolation,
Until the end and in the end. -- John Knox, Scottish reformer (1510 - 1572)

These  lines penned by John Knox take hold of me.  These simple yet majestic truths, especially the deep and lovely reminders of His grace, of the Holy Spirit who gives us comfort and consolation, and poignantly this line, until the end and in the end. This comfort - eternally given.

Silence

My last posting was weeks ago.

Silence has encrusted me as I stumble about in this labyrinth of pain.  To write means to open the wound of the pain I am feeling, to be engulfed in the reality of this agony.

Even my speaking voice disappears, becomes labored, cracked - choked when talking about what is happening.

So I have retreated, stunted the flow of words, hidden behind barriers.

I have written privately (but not even much of that), words that lance, bleed out relief.  But I do not know if I can do that here.

But still I want to write.

Maybe I will dance around it, weave words not direct.

I do not know yet.

Heaven's Tears

The heavens
weep
copious tears;
drenches
the earth
with sorrow.

The earth,
thirsty with
longing
soaks up
the grief.

Spring?

The hint of spring hangs in the air;
balancing precariously between
biting cold and toasting warmth.
As if the earth is holding
its breath.

I too wait for spring,
the anticipation flares
new sparks that
kindle into flames
of hope.

Shushing

In the evening
quiet
the shushing
gentle whooshing;
dishwasher is on,
hypnotic white
noise.

Rock me

Today a story was told.

A story of love so deep and so wide.  A love beyond anything I can conceive or wrap my head around.  All-encompassing, everlasting, this love.  The love of a mother for a child.  The mother heart of God.

This love, so rich, so strong, so very present in each and every second, every single, solitary moment.  Never to be left alone, always wrapped in the all-encompassing comfort of His mother love.

He picks me up when I am sore, broken by life and circumstance: He knows, deeply, intimately, the grief I feel, the sorrow that pumps through my bloodstream...And He picks me up, He rocks me. Back and forth, back and forth.

I weep as I hear this story.  This story so gently told.

The story of my Saviour, my mother, my father God.

Passion Flares...

The night is dark, cold.
But we are side by side.
The warmth between us ignites.
Delicious touch that burns skin.
Breath - it comes hard and fast.
One, we are one.
One flesh.

Bend not break.

Wind,
it whips,
whirls,
swirls.
Trees
tremble.
Evergreen
she hurls
her needles
flying through
the air.
She bends
but does not
break.
I would be
Like the
evergreen,
though surrounded
by howling winds,
I would rather
bend,
not break.

Progress...Regress.

Watch a person
grow,
struggle,
fight,
overcome.
Progress.

Then watch
the hesitation,
the fear,
debilitation.
Regress.

But tomorrow,
start again,
bloom,
fresh new
growth.

Breathe deep,
there is
after all
hope.