A View from Heaven...

I find it hard sometimes to believe that Seana is gone.  

Gone from our reality to the next.  

Our world seems a little less bright, the days are longer, bleaker.  

Our hope of course is heaven, to picture Seana there is overwhelming - to imagine her pain-free, joy-soaked, loved completely and totally, beyond anything we can possibly imagine.  Loved by Jesus.  

Seana now sees Him face to face.  I can see her enter into lively discussions with Him, I can see her throw her back and laugh with Him, their delight in each other a blazing light.  I can see her being enveloped in His embrace, looking into His radiant eyes that brim, overflow with compassion and care.  I can see Seana and Jesus talking about the past six years, I see Jesus weeping for her pain, her suffering, reaching across the table holding both of her hands. These hands now held in His nail-scarred hands as He explains the wonder of His mysterious ways. I see Seana react; the amazement, the slow dawning of meaning and I see her clapping her hands together - totally caught up in what she now knows, what she now fully understands - now that she is there on the other side.  I see the relief and comfort in her face.  I see the inconceivable tenderness in the face of Jesus as He gazes at Seana, at her beautiful face now glowing with health and vitality.

I can see Seana running up to my Dad and to my Mom - oh the bliss of seeing one another again!, the hugs, the kisses and again, the laughter.  I see Seana walking with Dad through his garden, hiking with him through the forest and up the glorious mountains. Daddy, he is no longer breathless, his heart now and forever beats strong. I see Seana and Dad sitting down, he is drawing - sketching the incomparable beauty that surrounds them and she is leaning her head on him watching as he works just as she did as a young child.  


I see Mom and Seana standing in that kitchen of kitchens baking Buttermilk Biscuits, they come out delicious and fragrant.  I see Seana bite into one, she, who here, for so long could not eat, now savours this biscuit that she and her grandmother have made together.  Oh the recipes they will try out, oh the new ones that they will develop.  Everything that Mom says make sense!  Gloriously, Mom is again her intelligent self, the frail, depleted mind and body, fully restored.

I see Elisabeth, her delicate beauty warms everyone around her....I see Seana and Elisabeth, they run towards each other, they are jumping up and down, up and down!  They are so thrilled to see each other!!!  The sting of one of the greatest griefs of our family is now over for Seana.  

Seana and Elisabeth, they are laughing with glee, just pure unadulterated glee. They grab each others hands and twirl and twirl and twirl.  Oh, what fun they are having!  Seana tells Elisabeth she will teach her ji-jitsu and immediately they drop to the carpet of the greenest, softest grasses, effervescent blooms surround them and Seana teaches Elisabeth a move.  Elisabeth taps with great laughter, she has heard the stories about Seana, that Seana does not tap and so she willingly taps.  Elisabeth is just so glad that one of her cousins is here and they play, learn and grow together.  There are endless adventures for them to discover and after their battle :), they sit chewing on long thin pieces of grass and make plans.

Heaven I know, holds only unremitting joy for Seana.  The horrendous suffering, the bitter tears, they are now something Seana now longer faces.  She has an eternity before her with Jesus, with her family members, with the saints of old. She has unending adventure, unending creativity to develop.  She has now and forever Fullness of Joy, in His presence Seana has this now - Fullness of Joy.

Here, now, oh, how we ache, oh, how we long for her.  We miss Seana and all that she means to us.  We groan with the loneliness that her presence gone from here leaves us with.   A part of what makes our family,  a family, now resides in Heaven.  So we miss her and there is no getting around it, just learning somehow to live the days without her.

Still, we hope, hope beats in our hearts strongly and firmly; that one day we will see Seana again.  Somehow this hope rides alongside us present with tearing grief that often ravages our days.  

Every day a new day.  

A day to grieve.

A day to hope.

To Sleep, perchance to dream

I hope that sleep will come tonight.  I wish for it to envelope me, take me away.  I want to fall into the land of dreams, where the reality of weeks gone by does not haunt my days.  I want to roll in the fluffy clouds of quietness, of peace.  I want the sadness to abate somewhat, to be able to breathe without pain.

Ah, to sleep perchance to dream...

Let it be so.

Beauty and Storm

I am not sure how to process all of this grief  
The days are bright and beautiful
yet storms are raging in my heart.

Grief is like a fountain...

Grief is like a fountain,

the water of the pain

shoots up into the sky,

down into the pool

it lives in and recycles

again and again.

Pain and grief

wash over me,

like a fountain,

again and again.

The Meaning of the Elephant

Today John and Gail brought me two rings, two earrings and a bracelet that had belonged to Seana.

The rings are sterling silver and have elephants carved, connected and encircling.  

I was curious about the elephants and so googled them to see if there was a particular symbolism surrounding them.

Here is what I discovered - “They are highly revered for their strength and power....The elephant is probably the most positive animal symbol known. Here are some of the many lessons we can learn from the elephant:

1. Strength
2. Wisdom
3. Solitude
4. Strong sense of loyalty to the family
5. Intelligence.”

I was deeply moved.  Surely this description pertains and did pertain to the spirit with which Seana lived.

Seana displayed great strength and power in her fight against cancer.  She did everything she could and more to make a difference, to add quality and meaning to each and every day.

She developed and maintained a most positive attitude despite the toll cancer took in ravaging her delicate and lovely body.  Hope was a flame she would not consent to blow out.

Seana demonstrated steel-like strength in her faith. She showed us all her love and trust in Jesus. She told me just a week and a day before she went into septic shock, that she had decided she wasn’t going to try anymore to figure out all the mysteries in the Bible, she was just going to say like Job did, “blessed be the name of the Lord.”

She generously shared the wisdom she acquired, honed through great suffering. She shared her hope, her gratitude for each day, her discovery of wonderful books that helped her along this so very precarious journey that she was travelling.  She shared with me her love of the book “The Shack” and how she found such comfort and encouragement in it.

In times of solitude Seana took the time to meditate, to pray, to think, to read- to develop in herself the best qualities of rich character that she showed to us over and over again.

Seana always displayed a strong sense of loyalty to the family. She loved Vincent with all of her heart.  She yearned deeply to participate fully in times spent with her Mom, her Dad, her sisters, brothers-in-law and her sweet nephews.  And Seana did all of that, loved deeply and passionately.

She also exhibited great intelligence.  Seana earned a Master’s Degree, she worked in cancer research at Sunnybrook Hospital.  She thoughtfully and capably entered into discussions about life, faith,  and the world around her, she knew how to communicate with clarity and effectiveness.

I take great comfort in these discoveries today... I put the ring on my finger, the elephants encircle it, reminding me as elephants traditionally do, that Seana, beloved Seana, will not and cannot be forgotten.

Pounding of Grief

Grief pounds the beat of its agony right into my body.

I go out to lunch yesterday with my sister, neither of us feel well, we are full right up to the brim with the sorrow of loosing Seana. We feel hunger, but the food has no taste; the hunger we feel is the hunger to see the one we have lost.

The world seems shifted, surreal.

The sun shines, the skies are blue. The breath of spring and approaching summer warm the day; yet I am hard pressed to find it enticing.

We head up to the cash to pay our bill.  I whisper to my sister the scream of my pain, "I'm shaking inside.." I murmur.  We go out to the car and it floods me, the rain of tears flow down my face.  I feel the throbbing in my left temple; this drumbeat that has no escape, the tears that drive the pain to the surface and I unwind, sobbing.  I tell Sue the stories of Seana that I am thinking of...we sit in the heat of the car, the boiling lament bubbles volcanic.

She reaches over quietly, gently, tenderly rubs my neck, touches my shoulder, speaks almost wordlessly, words spilling grief mingled with mine.

I feel like I do not want my brother, Seana's father, to see me like this, I don't want him to think that it is strange that I grieve so cavernously.  I worry that it will upset him.  I try to lock down the mourning that wails in my soul, I need to drive my sister to his place.  We wait for a while and then I drive, barely contained.  We arrive and he can see my distress, he does not say anything right then, he offers a hug, the warmth of presence.

This grief wraps our family.  It is a blanket that we do not care to cast off.  In part, our grieving speaks of the depths of love that we have for Seana and how very much we long for her.  Oh, we are so, so thankful that she no longer suffers, but the missing is profound anguish.

Sleep, it's hard to come by but morning comes again -  somehow mysteriously we get up to "do" another day.  But the shadow of death presses heavy upon our hearts.  We feel the grief in our bloodstream.  Our very essence carries the memories - both the sad ones and the ones that make us smile. I feel like I want the person and not only the memories.

Heads hurt and stomachs rebel, weariness creeps in and there are aches in the upper back, in the legs.  Sorrow cannot be silenced and our bodies tell stories that our hearts can barely express.

At the very same time in the background, right alongside the grief, the pulsing life of the Comforter sings words to me over and over and over again..."Oh how He loves us, oh how He loves us"...

This song was sung at the Memorial Service and Holy Spirit, the Comforter, reminds me of it and of Resurrection.  That life is always stronger than death.  That death has been ultimately conquered.

The end of the story is that we will see Seana once again, that we will dance together in glorious reunion.

For now, I grieve, I sing the love song Jesus sings to me, I mourn.

I grieve, I sing, I mourn.

The weaving of the days, black and golden, sadness and hope.

Hope, always hope.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all." - Emily Dickinson


And I miss you Seana, I miss you.

Tribute to Seana...

I wrote this for the Memorial Service celebrating the life of my dear niece Seana, which was held on Wednesday, May, 23, 2012.

As Seana’s aunt I have many wonderful memories of her and of times spent together.

I remember the early days, I remember sleepovers at our place with Seana’s sisters - laughter and giggles and popcorn and movies.  And candy, lots and lots of candy (much to her parents dismay), by the way.

I remember her as teenager, a young lady and then a lovely young woman. When Auntie Sue would come to town, we would have a “girls night”, all the nieces and their doting aunties.  Oh, the laughter, the hilarity, the fun.

I remember six years ago - the call that came from John.  I remember the shock, the dismay,  and the anguish when he said that Seana had cancer.

I remember then, the new, fresh depth of our relationship. The dinners out, the visits, the heart to heart talks.  I remember the Jane Austen movie nights with Seana, Celeste and Selena, building moments and memories together.

Florence Nightingale once said, “ Live your life while you have it. Life is a splendid gift. There is nothing small in it.  For the greatest things grow by God’s Law out of the smallest.”  And this was the way Seana approached life, as a “splendid gift indeed.”  She grasped life with both hands tore the wrapping paper away and undid the ribbons.  

Seana lived life intentionally, deliberately, with determination and with vivid, vibrant hope.

You could see it in the way her beautiful brown eyes sparkled, the way the she loved adventure, the way she would snowboard with wild abandon, the way she played.

You could see it in the way she loved.  The way she listened, the thoughtful and intelligent way she would enter into discussions. You could see it in the way she yearned to make each moment count.

You could see it in the way she loved Vincent, wholly and with her whole heart.  The twinkle in her eyes, the way looks would pass between them.  The way they were attuned to one another.  He was and is truly a gift to Seana and to our family.  I honor and offer respect to you today Vincent for your loving dedication, your unfailing devotion and tenderhearted care of Seana.

I want to also honor you, John, and you, Gail for the extraordinarily nurturing way you have walked this journey with Seana.  The tenderness, the lovingkindness - the way you sought to make times with Seana deep and meaningful.  You did not waste one moment.  Celeste and Selena, how well you have loved your sister - with joy, with compassion and with the utmost of caring.  Markuu and Jesse you have been brothers to Seana, I know she valued each of you.  Ryder and Easton, have lost a beloved aunt who quite simply delighted in them.

When the cancer skiied, careening downhill, you could see Seana’s strength and indomitability grow.  Although she was in pain beyond reckoning, she purposed to go out, to babysit her nephews, to see the the latest movie with her Dad and sisters, to go the spa with her Mom - that is just the kind of woman she was.

Seana expressed heartfelt concern about those she loved and I quote,  “I don't want to get really sick and burden those I love, …. I don't want to leave sweet Vincent, or my family,  I want to see Ryder grow up, ... I want to meet my other neices and nephew,  (and) ... I'd like to help care for my parents when they get old, and so on, and on, and on... “

End of quote.

So, Seana fought cancer with every, single, fibre of her being.  She researched, exercised, changed her diet, found positive ways of thinking.  She did it all.  I have never encountered any person more courageous or more brave than Seana.

She did not let go of faith.  Her faith, it shone - a bright star. Yes, she certainly had questions and queries.  And God was and is big enough for that.  I know that, I believe it with all of my heart.

I am so very thankful that she no longer suffers, that she is with Jesus where  -“He will wipe every tear from (her) eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." Rev. 21:4

But here/now we grieve the loss of one whom we love so very, very much... As Karl Barth said, “There will be no song on our lips if there be no anguish in our hearts.” You cannot lose someone like Seana and not be forever changed.  Yet, today as we mourn we celebrate Seana too. The way Seana faced the great grief of the losses associated with her disease, the way she exhibited great grace and graciousness in the way she lived her life and now, finally, we celebrate the great glory she has entered into.  And we look forward to the day when face to face we can see and be with Seana once again.

Until then Seana you are missed - always. I love you.

She has gone...

On Saturday, May 19th, at 4:30 p.m., my beloved niece Seana, passed from this life, to the next.

Now, she is safe in the arms of Jesus.

She was only 31 years old.

I miss her already.  My heart breaks.

Sunny, Dark Days

I cannot help but note the incongruity of the radiant sunshine, the luscious blue skies,

the freshly dressed ladies - those clover green trees a leaf again. And there are blossoms all around - white, pink, and purple, so very pretty.  The earth renewed with life spilling everywhere.

Yet miles away tucked in a downtown hospital in palliative care, is my beloved niece.  Here the valley of the shadow of death hovers - cold, dark and bleak.  The sting of pending death, the sharpest of razors cuts through the days spent in constant care, in deeply spoken and unspoken yearning.  The suffering of her intimate family - her husband, mother, father, sisters and brothers-in-law, their suffering is as deep as the abyss. The moans Seana breathes out are echoed in their hearts.  

I have watched these dear ones in action before, they are clothed in tenderness, nuturing, lovingkindness and the most heartfelt kind of caring.  Their ministrations indefatigable, yet they are weary to the bone.  Love orders their days.  Days of tender words, gentle touch, watchful vigilance should Seana need something she no longer has the words to ask for herself.  Nights are spent on guard, hands reach across beds to soothe and comfort.  They crawl out of bed find the nurses, get the medications adjusted - ease her, ease her pain.

They drink from the cup of suffering and death, and the dregs are bitter to the tongue. In the midst of all of this I think of Gethsemane`s garden.   Of Jesus stretched out on His face before God crying with loud moans and tears, His internal agony so great He sweat great drops of blood.  Take this cup, take this cup, He pled.  Yet God had him drink that cup, as now we, this family, in great agony of spirit -  laid out - faces on the floor, have pled,  have pled, take this cup, yet now we drink it...

In Luke`s account of this garden an angel appears to Jesus to strengthen him, yet we read in the very next verse, it says and `being in anguish`` He prayed more earnestly.  (Luke 22: 39-44)  So the angel comes ministers strength to Him but does not remove His anguish and yet, Jesus still carried on to the cross, and endured a  brutal, gory, ugly death.  God did not release Him from His excruciating anguish till Jesus cried out ``it is finished.``

I find this strangely comforting, God sends His angels to strengthen and comfort us so that whatever journey we are on, as brutal as it may be, we can carry on.  Our immediate end in this life is this once to die, and after that only glory beyond description.

So this is what I believe.  I believe that Seana is surrounded by angels, I believe that  they are ministering strength to her as she makes this final journey, as her spirit groans to be released from all this pain and agony, before, very soon she can ``fly to Jesus and live...`` I believe Jesus Himself is cradling her in His arms, I believe He is crooning love songs oh so gently and oh so sweetly into her ears, I believe He is sustaining her on level that we have no earthly imagination to conceive.

What purpose this prolonged and slow dying, for surely there has to be a purpose...is some of it maybe that when her journey is done, and her cry joins with Jesus` ``if is finished``;  that some ``earthquake`` will shake the earth that will waken those who are sleepwalking through this life, not living each day as Seana has and does, fully and intentionally and completely. What veil will be torn in two from top to bottom, so that truths may revealed to those who could not see, for those who could not make their way to approach the holy of holies, to find forgiveness, wholeness and a second chance.

I believe nothing, absolutely nothing, is ever wasted.  So  maybe these long and dark days, these waiting days, work some kind of redemption in us, in the most secret places of our being, as we press in - hearts on fire with prayers burning brightly.  We plead in great sorrow, Lord Jesus Christ, son of David have mercy, have mercy, have mercy.

There is so much we cannot not understand, so much we cannot fathom.  We only know the pain is carving itself deeper and deeper on our psyches.  This loss will mark us, define a part of  our lives and change us.  Let it make us kinder, more compassionate people, quick to hear the unspoken pain in someones voice, quick to reach out to those in need.

Still, there are many days when I want to lay on the floor like  a two year and fling a fit...demand that God do it my way, and in a timely manner thank you very much. The anger and fear and grief pulse through my bloodstream,  it beats a drum in my head.

I know I can lay my whole heart out to God, ask any question, scream, yell and cry.  And He is there, just as I was when my children gave vent to their heart-felt cries.  He receives me with great tenderness, acceptance and unending love.

I circle back to the Ever-Present God of my father and my mother.  I remember His faithfulness to me in days gone by and how He has been ever with me in the darkest of days.

And so He continues to be, my Alpha and Omega, my Comforter, my Rock and my Refuge.

So on this bright-blue sun-kissed day, black and dark as it may be to me and to my family, I lean back and lean heavily into those Everlasting Arms.  Arms that are there no matter how deeply I fall into a pit sorrow or despair, Underneath are those Everlasting Arms and they will never, ever let me go.

Dying Slowly

What more agony

can one precious

body

take.

How much loss

can one

by one

we bear.

Not only the

dying body of

our beloved.

Slowly, oh so

very slowly

wasting away.

Her to trip

to glory,

stripped of earthly

glory, of any

finery;

characterized

by pain beyond

endurance.

Our bodies,

we who wait

while she

travails between

earth and heaven;

our bodies too,

wracked with

sorrow and grief

display their

limitations.

Our grief etched

scathingly in

our muscles, our

heads that pound,

our stomachs that

twist.

Our minds that

circle round and

round and round

again.

This one

whom we love

so dearly

her death

so dreaded,

yet now

strangely anticipated,

longed for even.

How to endure the

suffering of watching

this family writhe

in the grip of death.

We long for her the

sweet release from

all the torture of

day after day

unrelenting pain,

We long for her

to reach the arms

of Jesus,

to be as she was 

so gloriously created -

whole

once again.

This time completely

fully,

alive,

no more pain,

no more tears.

And finally,

done forever

with death.