Waiting and Uncertainty

Fear screeches, squealing brakes, racing around the corners of my mind.

I am waiting for results and having successfully dismissed the implications heretofore, am no longer blissfully tamped down, and the fire of uncertainty licks at my feet.

I had a endoscope awhile ago; down into my throat, through the esophagus and into my small intestines. The Doctor's immediate response was, no more ulcer, and that he took some biopsies.

Anyway, last week I got a call to go in for a follow-up. Now in my experience they usually don't call you back when everything is fine. But having to wait until this coming Monday and with my daughter's birthday, I was able to distract myself, turn the faucet of my thoughts right off.

Until last night.

I awoke, and then I started thinking. Big mistake. "What ifs" roll in like waves crashing on the sand of my life. I toss and turn, toss and turn. Sleep eludes me, fear taunts me.

I am not, I don't think, particularly brave. I like order, predictability and am not fond of change. I do not like physical suffering. I have had many, many long years of chronic pain and have lost days, missed big events, beautiful days and life in general. The threat of something bigger on the horizon makes me feel like there is a bully breathing down my neck and I cringe and shrink back.

I know intellectually that it may not be what I am fearing. It may be something that is easily dealt with...but emotionally, I am tense, keyed up, anxious.

I have lived long enough to know that all kinds of disease, suffering and tragedy happens every day, to myself, to those I love, to friends, acquaintances and strangers...There are no guarantees.

So in my waiting room I pace, thoughts chasing each other round and round the room.

I rein them in. What can I do, while I wait???

Well, I have also lived long enough to know other things too...that there are things that anchor me, things that still the boat being tossed on the water of my fears.

I know that I am loved deeply, intensely and personally by my Heavenly Father. I know that He has promised He will never leave me or forsake me. I know that He will not necessarily remove all obstacles, tragedies, or disease from my life (and most often I am not spared from these), but that He will most certainly sustain me, lift me up and comfort me.

He can, He will and He does weep with me.

He listens to me, while I rail in confusion, pain, anger or bewilderment. He takes my face in His hands and whispers to me, "I love you and what hurts you, hurts me. Come to Me little one, come to Me, let Me carry you."

So, I go, I run to that "throne of grace, to find help and mercy in time of need." I climb onto my Heavenly Father's lap, curl up into His arms and He rocks me, gently and tenderly.

Here is my Rock, here is my Refuge, here is my "very present help in time of need."

I am certain that He is with me, for now, for tomorrow and for all the days to come.

So, as I wait I tuck deeper into His arms and hold on tightly.