I wonder about this agony.

This separation.

Heart from heart.

How can I love a child so much and feel so disconnected at the same time.

Is he angry, is he hurting??? I think yes, is the answer.

I offer help and it is out-right rejected. So I am once again quiet, swallowing my words like bricks of pain into my very soul. They knock around, bring disquiet,
unease.

All this longing pours over me like rain, torrential rain. The wind of despair whips around my face getting caught in my eyes. Longing for him; to be whole again.

I wonder how it ever turned out this way. One choice led to another and to another... Lost in the vortex of choice, we are ripped apart from each other in a whirpool, drowning in words not spoken. Choking on words that never should have been said.

Two polar opposites, your life choices and the ones I wish for you, dream for you. You have chosen the dust of the dry promises of substances that alter you, a lifestyle that has literally changed the course of your life. You are suffering bitterly because of those choices.

If I could, I would snatch you from the jaws of this death you are living. I would lift you up and hold you and wrap in the warmth of a life worth choosing.

But I cannot choose for you. You must choose for yourself.

So, full circle I come...full of agony. Yet, forever, full of hope.