Fractured

Some days are better than others.

Some days it feels like I am splitting apart. Sense and nonsense. Round and round go my thoughts, chasing one another like a dog chasing its tail.

I am trying to retrain my brain...to think, to re-frame my circumstances, my feelings, my identity. It is hard work.

It feels like I am skiing...only I am trying to ski backwards and uphill.

Some days are tortured by insecurity, of not being adequate enough. I beat myself up, either I have not accomplished enough in my practical everyday life or I have not performed the mental gymnastics necessary to change/alter the way I am thinking. This does not help.

What helps, is, actually, thinking different thoughts. It is interior re-programming. The self-talk changes. Feeds on truth. Soaks up cheer. It is faith for the moment. Replace one thought, then the next and so on. It is finding a "mantra" and pressing the play button. It is affirming and life-giving.

It is being aware that wholeness is a lifelong procedure and process. It is allowing myself to fail, and then to begin again the next day. It is knowing the truth. I am loved. I am valued. I am precious to God. I can do and be all things or do nothing at all and be/still have love and value.

It is knowing that struggle and growth, this cocooning metamorphosis is common to humankind. That there is no sense in pretending that I am always "all together." Sometimes it is better to fall apart and then get up tomorrow and start putting the pieces back together. Painstaking as it may be, this is the work.

Fractured, and then healing. Onward I go.