Last day

I've been thinking about Sasha our sweet dog, who we had to say goodbye to a couple of weeks ago...and I've been thinking of what is like to know it was her last day with us as a family. How we all gravitated to the living room...each of us quietly doing our own thing...then in turn we would get up and go over to her...lie down beside her...pat her...bury our faces in our fur...whisper words of love and of longing to her. Words, which I'm sure comforted us as much as they comforted her...

These moments were precious, they are memories that we hold up to our hearts like blankets to sooth our souls when we are missing her gentle presence with us.

Then I was thinking, what would it be like if I knew it was my "last day"...or the last day of someone who I loved more than words can ever adequately express.

I was drawn back in time to the week and days just prior to the day my father died. The days before my mother died. How I miss them both...so very, very much. Each experience was so very, different. Dad died from heart troubles, fully cognizant, knowing the who, the why and the what. He had humour, gentle graciousness and he fought death tooth and nail. He would not give up, he would not give in. Even though we told him it was O.K., even though we released to his Heavenly Father's care. He was focussed on the now, and his love and his yearning for his family evident in his last words..."I love you all...tell my grandchildren I love them"... Then at last, failing, he turns towards my Mom, "Con, Con," he cries out. Then he breathes his last. We are heart-stricken, gently touching him, saying our good byes to the shell left, the father we had loved so very, very much. This last touch is powerful, poignant and utterly devastating. It is the final contact with this beloved man, our dad... daddy, daddy, how I miss you...

Mom had dementia, and this was tragic, horrible and pitiful. We lost her over the years by inches...slowly, agonizingly slowly. Her last days were ignoble, she was skeletal, incontinent, barely able to communicate...How we grieved the loss of this busy, productive, loving woman...I think in many ways she left her body before she died. The shell existing long past the essence of who she was had disappeared. Sick in body, that last day, (I had a vicious migraine), and sick at heart I went home to rest for a wee bit. I left Mom with my sister and sister-in-law who oh so gently and sweetly held her: and who murmured soft, loving words to her. Then Mom took her last breaths, and body and soul at last at one, ran into the arms of Jesus. Shortly after that we all gathered around her and again the litany of touch, the deep sorrow of final good byes. So often, so very often my heart cries out for "mom", "I want my mommy," I will say...missing her, her tender touch...her practical hands on help, just missing her...

So, I guess I'm saying if you know, you'll be there...hunkering down for the long haul, being there till the last possible moment. Soaking in whatever is left of that beloved one, turning them over to Jesus, and yes, oh yes, hanging on till you absolutely have to let them go...

And if you don't know??? Then you try with all that is within you to love well, to love now, to live each day intentionally, to keep, if you can, your quarrels short, to forgive as fully and completely as possible, to, as the James Taylor song says, "shower the people you love with love." And to, so very importantly, forgive yourself, on the days when you do none of the above well...Because we just do not know do we? And human beings are supremely the best at self-recrimination (at least I know I am) and death can be so abrupt, so sudden, so cruel and quick. Death seems so very, very final when we forget eternity. Besides eternity feels so very eternal on this side of heaven when you are missing someone you have loved and lost.

So gather your life and put it on like your favourite dress or suit and reach for the people you love - and live and love until that last day comes...