Disconnect

Lately I have been feeling disconnected. Only a few friends. Lonely. Unloved.

It is not a pleasant feeling.

I have always made friends easily, but have also had a few experiences where friendship has been the knife that has cut me, wounded me deeply. So, now only of late, I do not rush in, I do not reach out.

And my life lately has been chaotic, full of tension. It is a time of examining my life, my relationships and my soul.

A lot of work. Hard slugging. Peeling away the layers and finding the self that has been buried there for sometime. The person, who has left some things untended, unfinished - even perhaps unrealized. Discovery is made and this self must face these discoveries. This self must begin the work that brings healing, change, wholeness.

The affect is far reaching and involves decisions that are heart-wrenching. Soul smouldering. Grief rendering.

And to do this alone. Although, strictly speaking this is not true. I have shared, do share my life, my challenges, my anguish- openly, freely with friends, with husband, with small group, but here, there seems to be some disconnect again. A look of standing back, of wondering. This could be my imagination, my over-sensitivity to the almighty, “what are people thinking of me.:” But it exists for me so I must find some way to sift it, flour through the sifter; softer may thoughts come through, the thoughts, gentler, kinder to myself and by extension to others.

The counsellor becomes the safe place. The place to emote, to vent, to rend the truth from the lie. The place to find a beginning for all that must be begun again. No judgement here she says. In her I find mercy and a firm pointing to freedom, to a God who really does love me, infinitely, completely, adoringly.

Before God, with the counsellor's help, I wrestle the demons of enmeshment, of

co-dependence. I pry apart the connections that are unhealthy, cloying, smothering.

Ah, maybe this is why I am feeling all this disconnection. Maybe, in taking away the unhealthy connections I am unsure where the true and good connections really are? Maybe this is where this deep aching loneliness comes from. From ties that bind me to people and things that I should not be bound to.

I know intellectually, that true companionship, true relationship comes from God and Him alone. But this is frightening, terrifying really. To have true connection with God and Him alone, to depend totally and completely upon Him - this is territory that is newly mapped for me. I have known all of my life that He has been there with me, for me. But to have Him make me complete? Here is where I stumble, fall face first into the dust and gravel, feel the bite of dirt in my teeth.

He has not in reality left me without friends, husband, or family. However, He has moved me into a place where these cannot be my security, my sole connections.

How I find my footing on this new ground, I am not sure? But of this I am sure...the journey has begun, and now I must search for the love that is found in freedom, not gripped and tightly held in fists fighting separation. Hands must open, hold up gifts of family, friendship - palms up and out.

A verse, long known, yet given fresh tonight, brings gentle, fulsome, encircling love to me...His love-speak to me, “Behold I have engraved you on the palms of My hands.” Isaiah 49:16 ESV. In His hands I am tightly held. Secure. Connected. Always, eternally loved. While I must lightly hold the gifts He has given me, He will never, ever let me go...never leave me or forsake me. I am held - tenderly, strongly, in His Almighty, Everlasting Arms.

Nov. 10, 2011