Haunted

In the morning hours of this day.  I find my thoughts wending their way to my son.  Child of my heart how I ache with the missing.  


Haunted I am by presence gone.  How does one ever get beyond this?  This quiet agony.  The everlasting excising, this hole in my home.


It is as it was, this living grief.  Of one beloved, not gone forever, but gone from home.  This boundary set, this "unnatural leaving."  Not leaving of their own volition to go to school, to get married, or even to get their own place.  But leaving because the home cannot bear the chaos of his addictions.  The hearts left here, scarred.  The heart gone, scarred.  All of us, broken, wounded.


I walk with living wound.  Some days better than others.  But none with wholeness.  


Even good days, it is as if I am having an out of body experience.  I, watching self, going out, meeting people, talking, laughing continuing on, a part of me doing what must be done.  The other part, lying in the dust, brought low, starting blankly into days that seem to stretch elastic, wondering when elastic will break.  When the ping will sting, fling back and hit me in the face.


However...


I do believe, I do.  In the midst of all this and heart sore and haunted heavy, I believe in hope.  I believe hearts can be healed, addictions can be broken & conquered, I believe.  I believe, families can be restored, relationships mended, I believe.  I believe, Mother, Father hearts - breath held - will see coming down that road, prodigal returning, I believe. I believe. I believe.


Oh Lord, haste that day, make it not long be.  Let me be, in meantime, let me be, strong.  Mother this heart of mine.  Cuddle  me, carry me in Your arms.  Do this for me, this day, this day and every day to come.  Help me.  Hold me. Hover over this day.  This is my prayer.  This is my plea.  Hear me. Lord, hear my cry.


Amen.