The Next Days

Once the shock has worn off, the deed now done, I carry on. I am surprised the first couple of days. I am strangely calm, even peaceful.

Saturday comes and the old feelings from years gone by return, this terrible yearning, this missing, this longing for my son.

I am not sure how to process this. This feeling of tears waiting in the wings. The restlessness, the anxiety, the worry. I wonder how he is? I wonder what he is doing?

I remember guidance given. Do not fight the feelings. Do not deny them. Do not judge them. So I attempt to ride it out, surfing the board of surging emotion. I crash through the waves, then right myself. Up and down I go...balance, fall, get up, balance again.

I go up to my room, lie on my bed. I put the relaxation/mindfulness CD on. Pull the blankets up, cover my eyes, breathe deeply, slowly – in and out, in and out. My body is tight, contained, it lets the breathing beat a rhythm, but it is slow to let go, to unwind. Still, I lie there, concentrate on the words- the reassurance, the calm quiet voice. The phrases repeat, the music is soft, leisurely...there is the sound of birds, of water trickling. It is not enough to unwind the tight spring inside of me, but it is a start. Later when I go to bed for the night, I will do this again.

I have no idea how this will all resolve itself. The way ahead is unclear and this is frightening to me.

I like to know where I am going and how I will get there. I feel snail-like, inching forward.

Head-down I sniff the ground...like a puppy, I search for clues that tell what is coming, what to do next.

The fog is thick, mist closing in around me. There appears to be no map. Part of me freezes, wants to stop, wants to go somewhere familiar and not come back to this reality. I blink back the wetness that hovers behind the retina.

The uncertainty is nasty, like bitter medicine.

What is this illusion anyway, that can we control our lives, or that we can affect the outcome of the life of someone else.

Of course we hope for the best...but life has taught this lesson well– there are no guarantees. None.

I think this is what makes me panic. What fills me with dread.

Here faith approaches, it knocks. If I can crack the door, my fear as immense as it may be, will not overshadow me. If I can let that sliver of light pierce darkness, maybe, just, maybe, I can take the next step.

I need a hand to hold, someone to help force the door open. Someone to walk alongside of me. Because right now it feels too much to do alone.

I am reminded again, that He has promised to never leave me alone, never abandon me, never forsake me.

It is His presence that casts the shadow. The shadow of the Almighty blinds the future, for whatever it may hold cannot be borne ahead of time.

Grace, it comes, only moment by moment, step by step, breath by breath.

I grasp His hand, hang onto the hem of His garment.

Side by side, He walks this road with me. He will face the fear with me. Love me through fear thick as cement. He has promised, perfect love casts out fear. Love jackhammers, earthquakes fear open so another day can faced.

This is the only way I can go on.

Nov. 19, 2011